New beginnings-- take 30

This is my first blog-- unless xanga counted as a blog in which case this is probably my fifth or something ridiculous like that. Why am I doing this? Because, I need to write and my hand cramps up when I hand write things now. Quite pathetic in my opinion. But, two years out of school and I guess that is what happens. Anyway, this is potentially going to be self centered drivel for the most part.. but at least I'll be writing again. So, here goes...
I've spent the past two years on a constant voyage to happiness. I've pandered to myself. I've left a town when I felt like it. I didn't save my money nor did I squander it on material possessions. I made myself happy. And, its worked. Before moving to England, five weeks ago. I couldn't tell you the last day I went without smoking a bowl. I had my cigarettes every day and I had booze whenever I felt like it (this has stayed the same, haha) I took what substances I felt like and saw the shows I wanted to. If there was a job standing in the way of a festival, well, fuck it! I'll find another. So, its worked wonders in some ways. I am a brilliantly happy optimistic and rather numb person. I am so clinical in my retelling of the past. I've been intensely unproductive lately. I contribute a lot of that to the lack of herbs in my life. One could throw around terms such as dependent, but again fuck it. You have your anti depressants I have my greeneries. But, during the past month I've been thinking about the changes in myself in the past two years. A lot have been good. My self esteem has improved somewhat (a lot now that I have found my amazing dom and boyfriend). I am happy. I'm not stressed for the most part. I don't worry about things. But, then again, I've basically stopped writing. I've stopped creating. I can just sit around for four hours and do nothing except for drink wine and then bourbon when the wine runs out. And, so I have to wonder.. did the emotions that I considered unhealthy a few years back really need to be there in order for me to draw from them, in order for them to inspire me? I used to find such solace in writing, in expression. Now, it feels more like a chore. Not good.
And, part of me craves that dark touch of unhappiness, of discontentment. Of basking in an emotion that isn't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a weird balance that I crave. My wardrobe is a sparkle of colours now. I believe I am the only person in Chelmsford who owns a tie dye. I can't remember the need I felt four years previously to not wear a single colour, to dress in black, to have black hair, to paint my lips black and line my eyes with black eyeliner. I don't even own black eyeliner now-- its brown. My mascara-- purple. And, the colours aren't important. I'm not saying that I want to turn into a goth again. Or that I want to page through Sylvia Plath anthologies on a daily basis anymore.
I just want to feel a whole spectrum of emotions again.
This is probably one of the reasons I could never imagine myself in a vanilla relationship ever again (vanilla = not a dominant/submissive or master/slave relationship = boring. if any vanilla folk read this). I am far too enamored with the extremes that the lifestyle affords. Plus, vanilla sex is just so thoroughly not fulfilling. Again, if any vanilla folk are reading-- SO THOROUGHLY NOT FULFILLING ;) I've been feeling lately that scening is one of the only avenues I have at the moment to access my full range of emotions.
I wonder if the wounds that I have from the past few years are too fresh at the moment. Even as I sit here skirting around any sort of details my mind feels completely unprepared to even venture into accessing those painful memories. I'm scared is what I think it boils down to. But perhaps recognising that fear is a step in its own right. Listen to me justifying myself-- its like you can almost hear my inner monologue ;)
The move has been good for me though. Not even touching on the subject yet of my fucking incredible dom, it has been good for me emotionally. America was draining my spirit. Draining my creativity, my spark, my old joys. So, this blog will hopefully be my journey back to the person I used to be.. without the self harm and the sulky demeanor and the depression.